Could you please help with my Chinese poem?

Hello, I am trying to write a poem. I will emphasise that I know nothing of the Chinese language or calligraphy. What I have done is to study some Chinese poetry [some Li Bai and Bai Juyi poems] and try and understand their literal translations. It seems more about bringing concepts together to me. I've used a translator [which I am aware are often inaccurate with something as complex as Chinese] and my own personal ideas on which characters look most aesthetic. In all probability this reads like rubbish, but if there is any worth in it could you please suggest improvements. Thanks:





Spring Dusk 春天 黄昏





Day lengthen night 天 加长 夜





Bamboo lengthen toward cloud 竹子 加长 往 云彩





Sun drop toward ground 太阳 下降 往 地面





Petal drop chases sun 瓣 下降 追逐 太阳





Night chases red peony vanish 夜 追逐 红色 牡丹 消失





Two lonely eyes sky upward look 二 孤独 眼睛 天空 看





Stars glimmer bright bright 星 微光 明亮 明亮





Tranquil time thinking of you 平静 时间 认为 您

Could you please help with my Chinese poem?
When you don't know how to walk, how can you run???





Well.. I'm impressed!





Still.. it is not Chinese nor poem! just some phases! you need to know the sentense structure of Chinese language first.





I guess this "poem" is a love song mainly want to express how he/she miss a person in a long day till the quiet night has come. (Actually, he/she is thinking of that person the whole day, but to start the poem from the romantic spring morning till the orange red poeny colour sunset, then the starry night...)





Li Bai and Bai Chu Yi were Experts in Tang Dynasty..., there are rhythms and straight rules when writing old Chinese poems, the number of words, etc. It is hard to explain to you now. I learned some from highschool but I forget all the rules.. hahaha.. never wrote any real good ones, but did write some for fun when I was young. Below are my suggestion / re-arrangements of words for the last 3 lines.





For example: Lonely eyes look up to the sky


一雙寒眸望天邊





(7 characters) (寒＝ cold which can also express lonely, 眸子＝ another phase for eyes )





Stars glimmer brightly high up there


閃閃繁星耀千里





(閃閃＝twinkle, 繁星 = lot of stars, 耀 = bright, 千里 = thousand miles away, far away, I use this to match with a pair of lonely eyes (一雙）





Thinking of you in this tranquil time





幽幽靜夜暗思君





(幽幽＝quiet, tranquil (can express loneliness too) 靜 = quiet / tranquit (幽靜＝tranquil) 夜＝ night , 暗思君 = thinking of you in my heart (quietly...) - also have an expression of "shy" if the writer is a female.





These 3 lines I changed and made them look like kinda poem.. but have to match with the rythms in mandarin.. so it is very difficult, and by the way, I'm not you, I do not know what you really want your poem to be (in what style), so I can't give any good advice, I am not a poet!





I'm tired and need an afternoon nap! May be.. I will work on the other lines later.. but not now! :P





Cheers!





Then.. Pick Shirley's answers... not 100% right.. but still ok. And I'm not going to work on the other lines ahahhahahah.. ^.~...!





You are asking help here.. that's no good, if i were that girl, I prefer you to just do something by yourself only, that's more impressive, no matter how "rubbish" it looks like, it is your true feeling and "心意", the one you wrote in your question is good enough, raw and cute! Believe me! She would appreciate your lines a lot more.





My lines are too "Chinese" and it is impossible to say those lines were written by you!





Take your time to learn Chinese, don't push yourself, as you said you are not in a hurry! Chinese brush writing isn't easy to learn and it takes a lot of practice, daily practice! I had that as homework in my primary school, I hated it, now, I would like to learn it but still I can't afford the time to practise it daily, so, thinking of when I retired, I would do it. So, there is a chance that you would already be as an expert and be my teacher at that time!
Reply:Thanks for the points, I found a spelling error, should be "rhymes" I would suggest you to write an English poem to her first, it still would be very impressive with a small bunch of flowers. Good Luck for your Exam first! Report It

Reply:Spring Dusk 春日的黄昏





Day lengthen night 白昼长过黑夜





Bamboo lengthen toward cloud 竹子伸向云彩





Sun drop toward ground 太阳坠向大地





Petal drop chases sun 花瓣落下追随太阳





Night chases red peony vanish 夜追逐着红色牡丹消失





Two lonely eyes sky upward look 一双孤独的眼睛看着天空





Stars glimmer bright bright 星光闪烁





Tranquil time thinking of you 平静的时光里想念着你





sorry, i do not know much of poems...


i just simply translated it more like Chinese.


hope it will help you.
Reply:good
Reply:yes, the translation seems nonsense..... anyway it's funny.


you want to translate your english poem to chinese?
Reply:do you want to translate English to Chinese?


春天的傍晚


夜变得短暂


竹子在慢慢长高，向天空的云彩招手


太阳落下地平线


花瓣随着太阳陨落


夜晚中的红牡丹已经模糊


两只寂寞的眼睛仰望着夜空


天上的星星闪闪发光


在这宁静的夜晚，我的心里只有你





I' m from China, but I'm not a poet, so read the English poem, here is what I can translate, I hope it will help you .